An Idea Gone Wild and Wilder Gets Scrapped

It is quite obvious that the last two months of my life is far from blissful. I really do not know for sure how I get by. People may shun me for being too emotional, and some even think that I am just over-reacting. Hell, no. I guess no human being would want to go through the pain I go through, and it is my deepest prayer that everyone is spared from this emotional torture.

This dilemma has led me to consider an idea that has long been haunting me. Well, let us also include the fact that watching more “L Word” episodes lately has also influenced my current outlook. And that elders in the family have been constantly nagging me about my “solitary” life.

It all started with Season I’s pilot episode, where Bette and Tina decided to have a baby and began to search for a sperm donor. And so I said, why can’t I? Have a baby, I mean. For a start, I thought of adoption. I then sought the ideas and opinion of my closest friends, whose unanimous response is negative. They all want me to have a baby, yes. But they want me to have my own baby. Uh-oh. Then it became a very complicated idea.

Complicated because I do not know if I can handle it. I understand that it’s a wild idea and it entails a lot of careful planning and drastic adjustments on my part. Should I decide to pursue it.

And the biggest, most nagging, scariest question is HOW do I do it? Who would be the genetic donor in the first place? And granted that some kind soul agrees to be the donor, how do I proceed with the whole process of pregnancy? How would I deal with it living alone? How would it affect my work and career? Would I be able to keep my job if the office learns that I am pregnant and do not have a husband? (Sigh…) And later on, how do I deal with motherhood as a single parent?

Oh, hell. Why did I ever consider this idea in the first place?

See? It’s truly only a wild idea, after all. And finally, the verdict for me is to simply scrap it. Yup. Scrap the idea. Then again, the words of my godmother linger in my mind, when she told me that I am not getting any younger, and that I must do something about my life while I still can so I will not regret not having done it later on in life.

But still, it will always remain that--an idea. A scrapped idea.