Blue

And now I understand.

And I want you to know, I understand.

Two nights ago, I felt tempted to write an entry called Red after talking to Lilia for half an hour. I wanted to write about my anger and my pain because as always, our conversation was far from saccharine. I was so angry, and I wanted the whole world to know how angry I was. And so the familiar feelings from too long ago came haunting me again. I felt hurt, betrayed and violated beyond words.

Then again, in the middle of my throbbing anger, I realized I was being selfish. I realized I was being too inconsiderate. And so despite my pain, I chose to forego the anger and focused on something else. I tried to watch a movie, but Jim Carrey (Bruce Almighty) was unsuccessful in entertaining me. I tried to read a book, but I found Belva Plain too irritating. Finally, at two in the morning, I found comfort in music. I listened to Michael Bublé, Andrea Bocelli, Babyface—until I found myself listening to a recorded concert of Jim Brickman. A song entitled “Change of Heart” played in the middle of the concert with Olivia Newton-John singing to Jim’s piano music.

I was dumbfounded after Olivia and Jim finished the song that I listened to the track once again. I just had to listen to the song again. And so I realized.

While Olivia sang, it was as though she was singing the song to me—for Lilia. Olivia’s gentle crooning became so poignant that it brought me to tears. Tears for all the pain, tears for all the sacrifices, tears for all the memories.

So now I realized that her decision to go away is not just to leave me behind or to spite me. Contrary to how I perceived it before, it is far from being personal.

She did not leave to hurt me or to make my life miserable. Her decision to leave was solely for her children’s welfare. What she did is a mother’s loving gesture towards her children. For what is deeper, stronger and more unconditional than for a mother to lovingly prepare her children’s future?

When Olivia got to the part that says “For years you had been my best friend, I thought that would always be… ‘Cause where I’ll go and what I’ll do I just can’t see my life without you…” I felt like a sharp knife was tearing through my heart because in so many of our conversations, she has repeatedly told me that she cannot imagine her life without me. And I feel the same, no matter what. I will always feel the same.

Towards the end of the song, I could hear her talking to me the day she left, “When I’m gone you might have a change of mind...”

And that’s when I knew. And that’s when I understood.

She knew what the odds were and what the odds now are. And yet she took the risk—the biggest risk—with the hope that I won't have a change of heart—and mind. What I told her then remains today. I never will, Sweetheart. Never.

And so I called this entry Blue. Blue because I feel peaceful. Peaceful now because I understand.

Change of Heart

by Olivia Newton-John and Jim Brickman
(From the album "My Romance: An Evening with Jim Brickman)

I feel that I'm at a crossroads
I don't know which way to go
You say that I am changing
Into someone that you don't know

Who I am and who I'll be
Is locked inside inside of me
And if I follow my heart
Will you still be my friend if we break apart?
How do I make, how will you take my change of heart?

For years you have been my best friend
I thought that would always be
You know that I just can't pretend
It's written all over me

Cause where I'll go, and what I'll do
I just can't see my life without you
If I follow my heart
Will you still be my friend if we break apart?
How do I make, how will you take my change of heart?

Moving on
It's going take some time
When I'm gone
You might have a change of mind
Gotta take the chance
No matter what I find

No matter how far I travel
I think of you as home
It's not about finding someone else
It's all about being alone

Cause who I am
And who I'll be
Is locked inside, inside of me
Cause if I follow my heart
Will you still be my friend if we break apart?
How will I make, how will you take my change of heart?

How will you take my change of heart?